I set my alarm to wake up at 4:30am this morning so I could meditate and take a bunch of mushrooms at 5:03am so I could heal under the new moon of September while high as fuck on psilocybin and start autumn-leaf-pumpkin-spice- LeBron James-return-to-Cleveland-fresh. (What I’m saying is, I wanted to forgive my Prodigal son self and welcome her back, but really it’s not for the love my myself, Miami was just too damn hot and I love a comeback! It’s complicated.)

I wanted renewal, if you will, healing, processing, festering, growing scales and blossoming into a troll with no ego under the moon light while simultaneously laughing and crying.

That was my plan. I love being high on mushrooms. I’m not bragging, this isn’t some sort of drugs are awesome public service announcement. But they are.

At least the variety I am referring to. They strip it all way. You finally understand we are all trying to return to our mothers, THE mother. I shit you not. It’s real. And I know it sounds real hippy dippy. But it’s true. Everything that sounds absolutely ridiculous is probably true, by the way. Anything that tries to sell you warmth and safety, stay away from.

I ended up turning off my alarm and staying in bed until noon, waking up feeling undeserving of healing and also knowing it probably doesn’t matter anyways.

I beat myself up constantly because I rarely feel joy in my unaltered, natural state. Maybe it’s all the half assed yoga I’ve done over the years and Eckhart Tolle I’ve read that makes me think joy a necessary component to existence.

I know it resides inside of me, I’ve felt it. It’s peaked out in those moments when I was hanging on by a thread. Its come out in the form of ice cream, tears, laughter, rainstorms, sex, hand holding while driving, stillness, and animals.  I just wish I didn’t need drugs to get there.  I wish life wasn’t this heartbreaking Lord of the Rings like game you have to play where they tell you from the beginning “The answers reside inside of you” but you continue to look externally and tear yourself apart because that’s part of the journey.

IT’S ABOUT THE FUCKING JOURNEY.