swaddle my soul

My unspoken motto in life has always been “Never let anyone call you ugly, make yourself ugly first and then scream in their face I DID IT FIRST, FUCKERS!!”  (It doesn’t work but once you pick a life motto you kind of have to stick to it.  I suggest one more along the lines of “I’m okay, you’re okay”  or  “We’re all in this together”  Something more neutral and less aggressive that will benefit the greater good of our collective consciousness.)

 

I have been the butt of my own jokes since very early childhood when I learned how to deflect bullshit by being a gentle giant/court jester and whisper shit in my friend’s ears to make them laugh.  I’ve always had the burden of desire to be liked by everyone.  One time I brought a can of EZ-cheez (I’m not even gonna look up how that stuff is really spelled, that is how I spell it in my brain) and packet of Ritz crackers onto the playground in second grade and had a line of kids surrounding me. This is called friendship currency and protection from a fate of pig oinking noises following me down the halls in grade school and generalized terror.  I hate to think of what my life would have been like had I not pulled that sweet trick early on.

I have always flattened myself against walls and let the other person walk by because that is the role I chose to play in life. I wish I would have known back then that it was a choice, that I didn’t have to be this way and that it would be so fucking hard to unlearn.  It’s such a trite manipulation of self, it’s positively boring!  I could have been the bully-I definitely could have chosen Slytherin because I love all things mischievous and wicked- but I had a soft heart and an aptitude for grotesque self confession.  The Slytherin’s would have had enough of my tears and bullshit before the end of the first term.  I wouldn’t have even made it through a Dark Arts class, I’m sure of it.  UM, CAN WE GET A RE-DO ON THE SORTING HAT?  THIS ONE SEEMS TO SUFFER FROM A LOT OF WEIRD GUILT STUFF AND IT’S REALLY CRAMPING OUR STYLE.

For fucksake, I apologize in whispers even when no one can hear me and then I curse myself for being such a ninny.  I’ve been writing apology letters in my head to everyone I have ever met since the beginning of time.  It’s like I have been forcing myself to go through my own personal AA meeting in my mind everyday.  NO WONDER I always have Confessions Part II stuck in my head!!

I feel like if I can just get ahead of the penance that maybe God will retroactively pay me back my due diligence in immeasurable wealth. Not cash wealth (I mean, maybe a little ::winky face emoji directed at God::) but maybe just someone to love me and make a small happy home with.   (My penance being for my existence, causing harm just by being alive. Just incase you were wondering.  If you were raised Catholic, you probably already naturally followed.)  THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH, AM I RIGHT?  (Nobody said the meek can’t use ALL CAPS)

 

If I have no one else to live for how can I possibly live for myself when I am just me? That’s no fun at all. Whenever I have made myself dinner, like a really nice dinner with all the things I like, and I’ve taken the time to just fucking do it right, the food never tastes that good to me. I’m over it after a couple bites. But when I make food for someone else, it makes sense and I feel the experience. I don’t feel like I make sense alone. I think it probably makes sense I never had kids. God was like NOPE NOT THAT ONE, THE BITCH DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HERSELF AND SHE WILL SUFFOCATE THEM.

 

God was like I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS ONE. LET’S SEND HER SOUL SOMEWHERE THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, PUT HER IN A BODY THAT NEVER FEELS GOOD, MAKE HER LOVE PEOPLE SO MUCH AND RESENT THEM TOO, GIVE HER A BRAIN THAT IS MOSTLY NOT WORKING RIGHT BUT TRICKS HER A LOT, MAKE HER FACE THIS WAY AND THEN POKE IT REAL HARD A FEW TIMES AND STRETCH OUT HER NECK, GIVE HER A DECENT ASS AND TAKE AWAY ALL HER SELF ESTEEM AND SELF WORTH IN THE VERY BEGINNING AND THEN JUST BOOM! LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS, MUTHAFUCKAS!!

 

But isn’t this how it feels for all of us?

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