Hi! How are you?
Sometimes I put so much effort into writing or trying not to write or wanting the things that I write to be perfect that they never see the light of day. I’ve been working on making part two happen of “My Disposable Body” (see archives in October, I am too lazy to figure out how to post a hyper link and you know, this doesn’t have to be such a one sided relationship, you can put in some effort now and again,too) and sometimes I forget that this is just a blog that maybe 15-18 people will read at any given time. It doesn’t have to be so serious.
I thought I’d update you on my life because it’s almost the SIX month anniversary of me quitting my regular person job and jumping face first into the unknown abyss. Sometimes I think things are still exactly the same in my brain but when I have moments of clarity I can see how much things have changed in what feels like “Oh my god, I’m doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing.” I need you to know this before I continue on (and hopefully do not sound like I am on a high horse when I am really just on a very satisfying long stroll on top of a dinky donkey) that this is the thing: I never thought I would ever be happy. I suffer from what one may call terminal uniqueness. I’m too smart to feel good. I’m too sad to have energy to build a life I enjoy. I hate myself too much to put effort into anything or take risks. What is the fucking point, right?
Don’t worry, I am not about to tell you any of those thoughts have changed completely and that I am a new woman. But I am here to tell you that it’s okay. You are doing just fine. Your life is not over at 35 or 38 or 42 or 58 or whatever is your “scary number”. I didn’t even know 35 (my current age) was my scary number until I arrived here. No one told me 35 could be scary because this is the time when I was suppose to reap the benefits of being a grown ass adult. Oh, how I relished 30. Young, ignorant, silly billy goat 30. That was the age I was always suppose to be in my head. At 35 I was suppose to have a house, a relationship, money in the bank, a clean bill of mental health and maybe even a baby or at the very least some pants that fit properly. I have none of those things. I didn’t know fives years would breeze by and suddenly I would discover everything I thought I knew about myself was pretty much absolutely wrong. But!! I didn’t want to be who I thought I was anyways and now I have this delightful opportunity to relearn about myself. I have been given a gift, y’all! I AM SO MYSTERIOUS.
Here are some things I am working on and some tidbits about my life currently:
- Obvi, writing. I enjoy writing. I get energized by it, I sink deeper into myself by experiencing my thoughts externally in written form. I like sharing it with people, too. I would love to expand my reader community but I have no idea how, until then I will be posting this shit on Facebook praying for double digits in likes so I can go on another day. If you or someone you know knows how to do the thing where you get magical blog views and a book deal, hit me up, dawg.
- This seems so obvious to say as I am sure it is in every self help book ever written but : I have to put myself in uncomfortable situations and I have to be adaptable to change in order to grow. There is no way around it. (This most especially applies if you have any sort of mental illness. Which is, like, all y’all, btw.) My brain, the way it has been shaped thus far, wants to kill me. It wants my flesh to rot on the bone while I lie in bed and scroll through all my social media accounts and judge myself and everyone. It does not want fresh air or human contact. My brain is wrong. Everyday I have to fight with myself and force myself to be uncomfortable in order for me to survive. When have you ever held onto anything so tightly in life and it worked out for the best? Never. That’s fucking when. Never.
- I want to be the boss of me forever and ever amen. I hope and pray never to have to work for anyone who is not me because I am the best person to work for ever.
- Yeah, I’m panicking because of aging and fear that no one will ever love me romantically ever again because the skin on my neck is going to be at belly button level sooner than later but I can’t think of anyone that makes me laugh more than me. I’m good company and I refuse to invest in a turtle neck.
- I miss my grandma a lot. I never thought I’d be the type of person that could feel deep loss and miss someone so much. But it turns out I am. This makes me feel like I am a person.
- I’m really proud of myself. I didn’t just curl up and die. I fought and I am winning most days. Someday I’m just whining but I’m alive.
- You can just stop what you are doing at any time and start something new. This applies to anything. You don’t have to keep doing the same shit over and over. You don’t have to eat Lean Cuisines for lunch everyday! That’s fucked up. Stop it. Go to Chipotle or get some Thai food.
I dont know. I’m tired and this looks done.